I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
