Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
