I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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