i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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