Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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