Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
