He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
