my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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