i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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