I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
