I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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