if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize