We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
