Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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