glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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