i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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