I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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