He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
there is glitter all over my balls
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
