There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
