you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
