I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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