I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
