I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
