Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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