I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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