So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
