my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
