i really wish james franco would like my vagina
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
