I am midnight drunk by noon
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
