I'm going to jail i love you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
