He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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