i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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