Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
