you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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