My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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