I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize