I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
