i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
