Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
