We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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