gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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