Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Im part way to drunk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
