kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
