he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
