id be glad to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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