Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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