Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
