Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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