He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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