got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize