hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
