seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
