I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize