Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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