Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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