last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
