Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
