I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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