It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize