you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
