I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize